Mirthless Mirth

MIRTHLESS MIRTH ACT ONE SCENE ONE CHARACTERS: Bill Ball – VP of Fanciness Tarika Gob – Director of Creative Things Bilbo Hammerham - Stockboy God – Bill’s God Joyless – cat Vland Boykut - Operator (Opening scene – bedroom – Bill is awakening) Bill – Oh moment of awakening. The beginning, the start of an unknown new day. Who knows what will happen to me today. (Looks to his left and sees the glowing face of God) God – Good morning Bill, are you awake yet? Ha ha! I just wanted to say Hi and wish you well Bill – Thank you God, you are the most holy. I appreciate you taking the time. You are the greatest. God – You’re gonna give me a big ego! Ha ha! ( Bill in the bathroom) Bill – Now I cleanse my body of all disease, and rid it of the filth of insect breath and dust particle and ugly electrons. (Shower) (Enter kitchen, Joyless the Cat is eating) Joy – Well, haven’t I seen this besmirched face before? Coming from the most ebony container in a Turkish shipment of offal and gold? Bill – Good morning Joyless. I hope you are enjoying your fancy feast. Joy – The meal is tasteless but acceptable. I enjoy the fact that you dine on such delicacies as hot pockets while I am left to this mash of animal gut. How can you treat me so cruelly!? Bill – How now little fur face! Remember, you are but a cat, and I am a man. Joy – So what! Have I not feelings, desires, wants? I too crave Doritos! Bill – Amorous little chuckle-box, refrain from such assertions! Joy – I’m off to sulk. (Exits) (Bill is watching some morning TV) Bill – Ahh, the news of the world. How I love to engage my mind in the desperation of others less fortunate than me. I feel the news is the front porch of the world, from where I can see all that goes on. (Bill is driving to work) Bill – I am the commander and captain of this vessel, and feel no less responsibility than the airmen who pilot those giant wind slicing birds in the sky. In my mind I too fly a dc – 9 packed with precious human cargo! My foot causes these accelerations and abrupt stops; my hands grip the wheel to turn it. I have many skills in this seat. (Bill has arrived at work) Tarika – Good morning. I say good morning because this is what I want for you, and no less. May your morning vibrate peacefully. Bill – I have decided to not only accept these wishes, but to make an announcement. I FULLY accept your blessings. What hard work are we at today? Tarika – It seems we are to respond to calls of questioning we have received from many people. As you know Bill, our company Big Blob, sells hats to people who feel the need to be fancy. Well, I’m afraid the fanciness level of our rivals Hats are Golden Incorporated has risen to unheard of levels! Bilbo – Hiyio amigos! It is I, Bilbo the stockboy! I gotta tell you its ugly out there. I seen some hats that would blow your pants off, they are so fancy! They make ketchup look like water! Bill – This is concerning news Bilbo. We will have to try a new tactic in our quest. Have you alerted Rosemary of this? Tarika – No Bill. As vice-president of fanciness, we thought you should tell him. Bill – Excellent. I can sugar coat this bitter pill with my congenial ways. (In rosemary’s office) Rose- Good day, good day shining golden boy! Oh, let the sun break free from behind yonder clouds such that it may lay its illuminations on your courageous visage! Bill – Your flattery can only serve to cajole a peanut butter muffin from my lunch, but I fear I must have that nourishment today, given the sad news I report now! Rose – Speak! Let me know what tragedy has exploded into our lives! Bill – Hats are Golden Inc has increased in fanciness! We are no longer competitive and customers are letting us know! Rose – Glass dogs of Yesterday! We must find a way to stop them. Bill – That is exactly what I intend to do. Last night I used a lot of cocaine and it inspired some new ideas within my soul. Rose – Speak of them at once! Bill – As you know, I am highly intelligent. I should be considered one of the best thinkers in the land. My brain is filled with pulsing cells of data. Here is my newest idea. There is no hat one wears when feeling melancholy! But when one feels blue, it would be best to announce this to all so as to avoid awkward social times. Rose – A Hat, which announces ones sad mood? Bill – Precisely! I call it the Depressed Cap! In urban markets it will be know as the D.C. Extreme. Rose – Oh Bill, well... this is not a terrible idea. Er.. well, Bill we need to talk. I’m afraid your ideas are not quite cutting the mustard lately. Bill – Loathsome lard bag! You say my idea merits no action! Rose – Now calm down you insufferable marble! All I’m saying is times are changing. Fancy caps aren’t what they used to be in sales. You’ve got two days to come up with a new type of hat or you are getting busted down to stockboy! I’m sorry. (ROSE LEAVES BILL ALONE) Bill – Of life I have had too much. My neighbor next door has purchased a new puppy! Why purchase a hound, when we might become attached to the beast, and loving it over the years, grow accustomed to its tail, then one day the steely had of death will rip it from us leaving a wound from whence it was plucked. Why subject ourselves to such a danger? I suppose it is the craving heart that makes these decisions, not the calculating mind. Thus the heart does hold power over better judgment, and judgment finds its logic useless in the court of the passions. The mind may seek truth, but the heart has already found it. (BILL LEAVES THE OFFICE) (HAPPY HOUR AT THE BAR) Tarika : Bill, you clearly have fallen on to hard times. The task you face is not one I would want. You have been asked to give the world a new type of hat, one that can cure blues, break hearts, win races.... do it all. Bilbo : I want to eat a pickle, but a warm one! I like them room temperature! Waitress! Barkeep! Please tend! Bill : Tarkia, you don’t know the third of it. You know how hard I work. I have given my blood sweat and feet for this company. Now I feel as if I am the used wrapper of a honey pie, left to blow and blow on the wind in the streets of a deserted ugly city of dust. Bilbo: The pickle situation has not improved! Hark! I cry out for satisfaction! Tarika : What are you going to do? Bilbo: What can I do? I have no choice but to work hard on this and see this serpent back into the ground. In every life a man faces a challenge. You might not understand, being of the female gender, but a man must show his worth. A man must blaze new trails. It is I who must protect you from the wolves, bring the meat chuck for the kids. Tarika : It must be hard being a man. You seem so strong, so confident. I wish I had your masculine resolve. Bilbo : If I am not given a sufficient pickle the national headquarters for Sunny Sundays will be notified and you will be stripped of all franchise rights! I also wish a refill on my beefy chocolate big boy shake! Bill : Bilbo! Stop this complaining at once! You don’t deserve a warm pickle. You deserve a cold smash in the face! DO you think I want to end up like you! Slobbering away in the stock room, craving pickles! Bilbo : No sir. I am sorry. But... you .... in the stock room? Is this your fate if you cannot deliver with hat? Bill: I’m afraid so little one. And I don’t wish it. Tarika ; Well we had best let you get to your work. Last round is on Bilbo. (BILL IN HIS OFFICE) Bill : What kind of hat could I make. A hat which is worn by aliens? Imagine the amazement of the average consumer at the sight of an actual hat worn by an alien creature! It could be a new era in human development? But Wait now, suppose aliens did land their despicable ships on earth. What then? (BILL BURSTS INTO SONG) IT WOULD NOT MATTER IF ALIENS CAME WE WOULD BE SHOCKED AT FIRST BUT WE ALREADY KNOW THEY LIKELY EXIST AND IT WAS JUST A MATTER OF TIME SOON ENOUGH THEY WOULD BE YESTERDAYS NEWS NO LONGER GODS TO US WE WOULD THINK OF THEM AS NATURAL WONDERS BUT NOTHING MAGICAL THE MORNING NEWS SHOWS WOULD GO BERSERK AT FIRST THEN BACK TO THE SAME OLD GOSSIP MURDER TRIALS AND MISSING GIRLS THE USELESS NEWS WE DONT NEED IT WOULD NOT MATTER IF ALIENS CAME WE WOULD STILL HAVE TO FIND LOVE WE WOULD STILL NOT KNOW IF GOD EXISTS WE WOULD NOT KNOW ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE ONE DAY WE DIE AND WE NO LONGER WORRY ABOUT BALANCING THE BUDGET (FADE AWAY AS BILL CONTINUES TO WORK) (TIME PASSES, BILL SLEEPS – GOD APPPEARS) God – Salutations puny! I implore you wake from you nap! Bill : Oh, Hi God. Say, you’re just the person I need to talk to. What would be the best idea for a new kind of hat? God: Bill, if I told you that it wouldn’t be any fun. The whole point of life is to have little struggles. Anyways you wouldn’t like the idea for the best hat ever, so it’s best you don’t know. Just work on something reasonably interesting. Bill : Oh Lord, I’ve struggled enough. I am weary of this world. Please take me home to your pastures now. God: Ha ha. you’re funny! You so crazy! (BILL AWAKES) Bill – Oh my God! I overslept! I’m late for work! Wait, I am at the office already, I am not late. (APPEARS A WITCH BEFORE BILL) Witch – Tickle fickle pickle resident you will become the president! Bill – What! I am to inherit the throne of the United States of America! Witch – No, the throne of this company. (WITCH LEAVES) Bill – What crazy stuff is this! I am to become the President of this company? Can I be but dreaming? Tarika – No, I saw her too! Bill – What! From where did you come! Tarika – You must remember I live in your supply closet. Bill – Ah yes! A timely choice for desperate times. Tarika – Bill don’t listen to that witch. I have decided there is a better way for you to gain the fortune and glory you deserve. Bill – Make words lovely idea wench! Tarika – You must host your own call-in radio show. You must become an advice giver! There is an opening on WGTR and I have submitted your name. You start tonight. Bill- All is in readiness? Tarika – All is in most splendid readiness! Bill – hup! (THAT NIGHT AT THE RADIO STATION) Bill – Ah, just as I always suspected. My future is a complete victory! Let the dominance begin! “Good evening everyone and welcome to Talk About It, your new weekly advice show with your host Bill Ball! We have a caller on the line already. yes caller...” Caller 1 : Hello Bill. Well, here’s yer problem for ya. About a year ago I lost my job and I been depressed ever since. My wife calls me a fatty and a loser cause I dont look fer new jobs. My kids throw pumpkins at me. I sense distain from my pets too. Bill – You sound like a real blue fellow. Tell me, why do you not look for a new job? C1 – Well, I don’t suppose anyone would want me. I ain’t no good. Bill – Well have you tried explaining that to your family? c1 – That I’m no good? Bill – Yes. C1- Well, I guess I can try that. I kind of expected you to say I AM good. Bill – Guess again friend, I make no presumptions. C1 – Hey, I’m a good guy, I just been down lately. Bill – Alright, tell them that then. If they disagree, ignore them. You may find things work out for the best if you just give people what they want. I order you to work at McDonalds starting tomorrow! C1 – But they ain’t hired me. Bill – You show up, they will give you a burger flipper. Next caller. C2 – Hi Bill, I wanted to say I have been an abusive parent, and I want to stop. Bill – How would you like it if I hit you in the puss! C2 – Not so good. I guess I just loose m’temper. I know I am wrong. Bill – Then stop it you corny bacon bag! I hate you! Next caller! C3- Hi Bill. You know I have been listening and I’m not so sure you give good advice. In fact you sound like you don’t care about us at all. Bill- Untrue! My heart fills with love for those who would support me with dollars. C3 – What!? You only care about our money!? Bill- Correct. Next caller. C4 – Hi.... I am a compulsive sex addict. I can’t stop. I meet men all the time and , I just can’t control it. Bill – Why don’t you hear the voice of the Lord God! He says “ONLY DO YOU YOU LOVE!” . C4 – Ok, I shall repent. Bill – Lord, send your healing! In the mighty name of BILL! (LATER THAT NIGHT BILL MEETS WITH THE STATION MANAGER) Manager : What do I think? I’ll tell you what I think. That was the worst three hours of radio I have ever heard! Of all the bogus, mind-bomping , non-fruitfull wastes of action, that was the King Kong of the ages! Bill – Well, at least my dignity is intact. I may be honest, but I am not able to feel your pain. . Manager – Geddooudaheree! Bill – Hey, I’ve quat better jobs than this! Mg – Well you’re ass is getting fired from this one. And quat is not a word. You just say “I have quit” Bill – What? You quit? mg- No I was just correcting you. Bill – I don’t think so, I think you just quit. Look, I have been recording our conversation, You must quit now for I have recorded your statement that you said you quit. mg – Curses! Very well I will pack up my office. But I fired you before I quit. Bill – Fair enough! Today we both loose our jobs! mg- I am going to miss this big electronic talk-box broadcast station. I think I will open a hot dog stand. Bill – Capitol idea. I for one, know that I must do what I was born to do... design hats! (EXIT) (Back at the office) (Bill, Tarika and Bilbo are at a meeting) Bill – Gentlemen, I believe you all know why I have called this meeting. The birds whisper of a new rumor. It is said on high hill and in the scum soaked alleys that there is a new hat, one which will revolutionize the hat world, and possibly the world itself. Tarika – What! What and where is this new hat? Bill – I’m afraid the hated Hats are Golden Inc. is behind it. It has been tentatively called “Hat X”. Tarika – Oh my dear sweet Lord Buddah! Bilbo – Silence the far eastern deity begging, hard minded woman! This offence calls on all demons of purgatory and Salem’s Lot combined! Bill- Now... before you both fuss yourselves into a futile foam, let me unveil my plan. So H.A.G. has a new hat. SO WHAT! We will infiltrate their precious palace and steal the plans for it right from under their sniffing noses. Tarika – A journey? A mission? A holy pilgrimage? Bilbo – Lord blast my body! I am ready for such a trip! For too long have I stayed home every night playing mortal combat and listening to Go-Go’s B sides! Bill – If you are ready then take my hand. If you are worthy then take heart. And if you are afraid, then take off , because our journey will be treacherous. If you are worried, shut it up. Worry is the tickle feather of the devil. Take hold of your own, and rub thy self clean with peppers and sweet herbs. We will yet be refreshed by the Lord Zeus. (Early Morning at the office parking lot) Bill – Bilbo, we’ll use your Plymouth Voyager for our voyage, as my car has today refused to bring forth ignition. In addition, Tarika is without car. Bilbo – Away then! I will drive the car. Bill- Actually Bilbo, I believe you have a spot reserved for you in the back of the car. I am a natural leader and will drive. Bilbo- Bogs blacken you! Oh alright! Tarika – Where do we travel Bill? Bill – To the land of Frorways, New Monkey. It is 400 miles of the east. I estimate a three days’ journey. Bilbo – What will we have in the way of rations provisions and entertainments? Bill – Our food shall be our conversation. Our rations, the very air rushing by us. Our entertainments, the results of this bb gun. Also, I have acquired an enormous amount of Doritos. Tarika – Yay! I have the map to New Monkey. We take Royal Highway 77. Let’s speed away! (Off they drive) (In the distance, a large explosion is seen.) Bill – Do you see that everyone? That is what progress looks like. I have heard they are demolishing the old super-ton skating rink. It was passed it’s prime, and now it is but a hunk of yesterday. Bilbo – When I see that, I can’t believe that! Only yesterday I glided on glass there, swept up in the beauty. I felt the glory run through my body like an electric eel had supplanted mine spine! Now, rubble stands in place of that majesty. Tarika – Its funny how much things can explode when dynamited. When God tells you to ignite, you must incinerate to accept the fate. Bill – Now don’t be satanic lads, just up ahead there is a place we can rest a bit. (They stop by the side of the road) Bill – Time to teach you a lesson Bilbo! (Hits Bilbo in the face) Bilbo –NO! I say none of that! Tarika – What can we say is good about a blow to the face? Bill – Throw some water on the fires of your fussing. I am merely making a point. Bilbo, do you remember what you said exactly two years ago to the date? Bilbo – I do. Like a waft of yesterdays forgotten tuna meal it comes back stinkily. Bill – You said “Bill, you have no capacity for memory.” You further prodded my soul by saying “Bill, I authorise a blow to my face two years from now to the date!” Bilbo – In ridiculing your lack of ability to remember, I did offer a free shot at my visage. Touche herby villian! You have proven me in the wrong. Tarika – God be my baby tonite! I suspected a sudden violent power-play from Bill, but now I see he was simply cashing a check written by a bumblebox. Good show Bill! Plenty well did you discover that victory! Bill – Enough of these foolish desires. I offer Doritos in peach and a cold pack for your pooch. This day the field is alive with whispers of the future. (In the distance is seen a figure spying) Vland – So, they come to eat our secrets. They will never reach the corporate headquarters alive! I am Vland the Operator! Scene – A Hotel in Porpor, New Monkey Bill – SO , so so ... so nice it is to drip hot and tropical from a soap wiped shower. I feel refreshed. I have not had a shower in over three days. Tarika – Lizards of sweat crust! No wonder I detected a certain shameful foulness from your pants and places. Bilbo – Our destination is not far now. At a pace of ninety-two miles per hour we should set an attractive pace. But something wonders at me. I swear I have seen a car sable following at a conspicuously inconspicuous distance. I believe we are followed. Bill – I marked it as well. It is probably an operative of HAG. We must act as if nothing is amiss. Perhaps he will be our key into the compound of our enemies. Tarika – I like our chances of grabbing victory like a goldy cute bird of power! ( Outside the hotel room) Vland – Ha ha! AHA hahah some more! You dirty three seem to feel incredible! Is your feast so nicely edible? I will steal your secrets too and turn your eyes to black and blue you try hard to infiltrate my hand shall break across your pate! I am very hungry for noodles, so I will go into a bar and grill presently! Scene – the Gates of the Enemy Bill – You see a cold heartless way in – the mouth of the eater of guys. I see a new adventure, and an erection of flawless possibility. I wanna do this boys. Tarika – Oh heaven and hell united! I feel the fear of the human! I sense danger if we go in there. We are naked to their eyes! Bilbo –Will we have no unitard of protection? We can disguise ourselves so why not then! Bill – Unitards? Nudity! You all are thinking up the wrong tree! What is needed here is direct confrontation! BILL WALKS UP TO THE SECURITY GUARD Guard – Hold up tubtank! I need to see some ID? Bill – I require NO identification but the knowledge that I aim to unravel the mysteries of your company. I’ll be honest! I want your secrets in my mind! GUARD HURLS BILL FAR FROM THE GATE Tarika – HA! Good job cowboy Kennedy! That worked well. Bill – I taste your sarcastic action and I savor not. Bilbo- Will you cut the crap! Take my advice and hide us up nice! In a cloak blue and green we will never be seen! THE THREE HIDE THEMSELVES IN A BLUE AND GREEN CLOAK AND SNEAK BY THE GuARDS UNNOTICED Bill – We did it! Now, it says there that the secret room is on the fourth floor, let’s go! Ikimasho! Tarika – Secrets, here we come! THEY GO UP TO THE FOURTH FLOOR THEY ARE ACCOSTED BY A SUIT Anky – Just a minute there my unfamiliar friends, this is the fourth floor, it’s very secret. Just what do you think you’re doing here? Bill – Well now! I’d say we are looking for secrets wouldn’t you! Just kidding. What do you think we are doing here? Anky – I believe, I do believe you ARE trying to learn secrets! Tarika – We are only cleaning people! We clean everything! Anky – If you are cleaning people, where are your mops! If you are cleaning people, where are your smiles! Cleaning people are full of happiness! Liars! Bill- It seems you have discovered our secret. I will have to make sure you never tell anyone... YOU”RE FIRED IF YOU TELL! Anky – God no! OK, mums the word! But please don’t touch my desk, I have several important pens! THE GROUP MOVES ON TO THE CORE GENERATOR Bill – That’s the core generator. there lies the heat and fire, the human perk and passion that drives the internal combustion of creative flow in this company. We must disable it . Tarika – But how Bill, how are we going to do that task! Bilbo – I believe this may come in handy. BILBO PRODUCES A SMALL BAG OF POT Bill – Bilbo has the answer. This funny tobacco will decrease productivity by 98%. Throw it in Bilbo! BILBO THROWS THE POT IN TO THE ROOM – WE HEAR SMOKING UP SOUNDS AND A LIGHT FADES. Bill – I don’t think there will be any productivity going on this year. Let’s make our way to the holding chamber for the hat. Tarika – Be careful Bill! Bilbo- Should I be careful too? Tarika – I cannot answer that question. Bill- We should all be careful, for we are the chosen ones, in the sense that we are not chosen. We ARE still in mud everyday so others may starve. With this bond, we are the freedom kickers. Tarika – That does not seem to have made any sense, but it sounds glorious, and I feel inspired. THE GROUP MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE HOLDING CHAMBER OF THE NEW HAT. Guard – What is the password! Bill- The password is, groin, meet foot! KICK TO THE GROIN Tarika – We’ll need fancy deflection goggles, put these on! Bilbo – I’m hungry! Yongary hungry! Bill – You’ll be eating soon enough, biting the proud biscuit of glory. Bilbo – Look! The hat! It’s more glorious than we could ever have imagined! Tarika – It makes Nova Scotia look like a slam dunk blueberry bastard! Bill – Grab it and stuff it into our bag! Guard – Can you guys call an ambulance? I think you really caused some damage. Tarika – Ok, I’ll use my cell. See you later she-man! THEY RUN DOWN A HALL BUT THEIR ESCAPE IS BLOCKED BY SECURITY GUARDS Bill- Into the ventilation shaft! Tarika – But it’s only six inches wide! Bill – They don’t know that! THEY PRETEND TO GO AROUND THE CORNER AND INTO THE VENT. Security Guard – Well, they’ve gone into the air duct. Let’s go get some muffins, and then we’ll see if they turn up somewhere. BILL AND COMPANY WALK OUT OF THE BUILDING AND INTO THEIR CAR. Bill – Well that wasn’t so hard, was it. Bilbo – Let’s get some food! I want a hamburger and some vanilla beans. Tarika – I second the motion! I want gravy! Bill – I want to take a moment to thank you all for courage under fire. And I think someone else would like to offer their congratulations. God – Yes Bill. Hello everyone, it’s God, but I suppose you knew that! Ha ha! Anyways good job back there, you made great use of the gifts I gave you . Tarika , you showed your sassy spunk without letting your reserve lag. Bilbo, you keep it real while being a volatile contribution to the surface of things. And Bill, you’ve got the tenacity in your tendons. I like your nerve and I made you one hundred percent pouty! Bill – Thank you Lord! We praise you! God – Thank YOU! See you later! VLand – Wait, you still have to face me in an ultimate showdown! I challenge you , Bill , to a duel of the mind! Bill – So YOU are the ultra-sneaky skink who has been sneaking and penetrating our moves! I know you work for this company and I will now show you I mean what I like! Vland _ Here is a riddle! What is both grey and green and cannot stand the sun! It likes to swim in water that is boiling! Bill- I believe you refer too... a suicidal albino Iguana! Vland – If my riddles will not stop you... then DIE! LAND RUSHES FORTH AND ATTEMPTS TO DESTROY BILL IN COBAT. BILL DEFEATS HIM AND HE RUNS AWAY CRYING. Vland – You have not touched me last time! I will become more powerful and I shall destroy you and your hats! Bill- Ah! No! See you later failer! Tarika – Oh Bill, you really saved our skins. How can we repay you? Bill- Will a kiss on the cheek do? TARIKA KISSES HIS CHEEK Bilbo – I want some of that! Bill – I don’t kiss the men I know! Now, I believe we have a hat company to return to! Ho! THEY GET IN THE CAR AND RETURN TO THEIR COMPANY. GOD APPEARS BEFORE JOYLESS THE CAT God – Well Joyless, despite your hatred of Bill, he really seems to have conquered? No? Ha ha. Joyless – This is only the beginning. Bill has more challenges to face before he is a real hero. And I’m looking out for a real hero. Can I have a fish? God – OK. A CATFISH APPEARS Joyless – Catfish?! But why? God – You took my name in vain yesterday when you fell off the TV and yelled GODDAMMIT! Joyless – Oh yeah. Fairs fair! END